Southern Charm Premiere Recap: The Eagle Has Landon By Brian Moylan
Anyway,
the episode starts with Thomas, a 50-year-old man who seems unbothered
by the fact that he is surrounded by twenty-somethings and is trying to
convince them to shed their tops. He takes Landon, a pretty redhead who
looks like a Strawberry Shortcake doll that someone turned into a real
girl, out for a walk. They sit on a park bench while the sun sets, and
she asks about the future. Thomas tells her that his future is with her,
and he thinks they should give their relationship a shot.
Then,
immediately, we backtrack three months to find out exactly how we got
here. This is a common reality television trope, like when The Real Housewives of New Jersey
initially started with Teresa Giudice flipping a table and shouting
“prostitution whore” and then we rewind to figure out how these
unassuming suburbanites eventually devolved into this chaos. OK, so it
seems like the big key to this season will be the Landon and Thomas
romance.
But
wait. As we get hip to the events of three months ago, there is one
event that looms above all others: Kathryn’s return to Charleston. From
what I can discern, Kathryn lost custody of her kids with Thomas because
she failed a drug test. Thomas is now raising the kids in his
guesthouse, because that seems like a reasonable thing to do for a man
who owns a polo pony named Guapo. Anyway, Kathryn’s return from rehab in
California is teased with the sort of drawn-out anticipation usually
reserved for when Rachel Maddow has the first page of a tax return for a
sitting president.
Based
on that, the real moment to wait for isn’t whether or not Landon and
Thomas start dating, but just how the hell Kathryn is going to react
when she finds out. She and Thomas are clearly the mentally deranged
mint-scented paste holding this whole mess together, so why are we now
trying to care about Thomas and Landon? I don’t care about them. I have
only seen Kathryn for a combined 90 seconds and all I really want to
know about is whether or not she passed her drug test. (I hope she
didn’t.)
We
learn a bit more about Kathryn and Thomas at the pool party that Eliza
throws for everyone. She seems new to the show, but like a fun addition.
She clearly knows how to throw a pool party because she hired some hot,
shirtless bartenders and rented a giant, inflatable Slip ‘N’ Slide,
which is basically just like a bouncy castle for grownups, and it is
freaking awesome. Anyway, Landon and Thomas talk to Kathryn’s cousin,
Shelby, at the party. Shelby, who looks like a blackout in a pair of
wedges, told them she had to kick Kathryn out of her house. That can’t
be a good sign.
The
other thing we see at the pool party is Landon’s new boyfriend, Drew,
who is as hot as the day is long. Drew has the deep pink suntan of
someone who pays more attention to how much mud he’s getting on his
truck than whether or not he’s applied sunblock. He also has as many abs
as the South has red states. Too bad he shows up wearing a shirt that
is absolutely drenched in sweat. Yeah, I get it, it’s really hot out.
But you are ripped and at a pool party, son? Sun’s out, guns out and all
that.
What
else happened at the party? Shep was there with his friend Austen, who
not only spells his name wrong but also lives in a beer-bottle-strewn
apartment that is the frattiest thing that I have ever seen in my life,
and I used to be in a Dave Matthews cover band. They are basically like
twins, and I sort of want to watch their sex tape. Do you think they
have one? I bet they do. Oh, and did anyone notice that when we first
meet Austen he disrobes to take a shower and we see his full ass?
Like it was not even side ass or half-crack or anything like that. It
was just a big, bright, full on ass shot. This is Bravo and it’s not
even 10pm! What if the children see?
Shep
and Austen both meet Chelsea, one of Cameran’s friends who seems like
she’s going to be some sort of lynchpin to a love triangle between the
two. Does this all seem a little Chasing Amy to any of you?
Also, Shep talks to Craig’s girlfriend Naomi about whether or not Craig
wants to be a lawyer. Why is everyone so obsessed with Craig’s career
plans? I get that he lied to everyone about finishing law school, but if
he wants to be a lawyer or doesn’t want to be a lawyer, why do any of
them care?
My
favorite part about Craig is that he is currently unemployed so he’s
just building ugly things in his backyard to put next to the hot tub. He
says that while he’s not studying for the bar, he is a professional
gardener and contractor. Um, he taught himself watching tutorials on
YouTube. That’s sort of like thinking he can take the bar because he’s
seen every episode of The Good Wife.
The only people we haven’t really talked about yet are Whitney, who is like Kevin Spacey if he starred in Sliding Doors,
and he’s the version where none of the good things that happened to
Kevin Spacey ever happened to him. The only reason I care about him is
because of his mother, Patricia, who has a butler and a magic button she
presses, and she can’t figure out how to use it. I want to move into
the antebellum house that Patricia owns and have tea with her every
single day of the year. You people are all sleeping on Patricia and
think we should care about Kathryn and Landon and Thomas and all this
other nonsense that is going on with all of these blonde girls I can’t
keep apart. I want to know what Chauncey thinks about all of these
things. Don’t you?
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